Keys to Peaceful Marriage/Home Vol. 3

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This is the conclusion .if you have not read volumes 1 and 2, please check them.

13. Beware of third parties.

Every healthy marriage without much stress should be able to resolve differences within it. When we got married, I told my wife that nobody comes here to settle any case, not even your parents, because I didn’t envisage any issues. It has been like that for 9 years now. We have seen where third parties come into marriages and instead of resolving conflict, escalate the conflict. You must apply wisdom in what people say concerning your marriage/spouse. Having said that, I must advise that if you are in abusive relationship, please seek urgent help.

14. Watch the company you keep.

It is important to choose your close friend wisely. If you have friends who are not adding any value to your life, please drop them immediately. Many couples have got their homes turned upside down because of what their friend told them. Someone told me that 20 good friends can’t move for 20 good years. If you think backwards, not everyone who was your friend 20 years ago is still your friend today. Many have moved on. You can’t be chatting at the airport with someone who is not going to the same destination with; you will miss your flight. There is no need keeping a “friend” who is doing more harm than good to your marriage. Remember Proverbs 13v20.

15. Don’t compare your marriage/spouse to others.

If you don’t appreciate your spouse, you are contributing to his/her low self-esteem. One of the things that contribute to this is simple when spouses compare their marriage or partners to others. We have in the world today about 7 billion people, with 7 billion faces and 7 billion finger prints. You can’t have two persons that are exactly the same. The same way you can’t have two marriages that are exactly the same. Even the so called “identical” twins are not really the same, because at least their parents can identify them and call them different names. Please appreciate what you have got and dedicate yourself to it. We are created in God’s image, (Genesis 1v26)

16. Wisdom is the principal thing.

A man had misunderstanding with the wife in the night and when they both woke up in the morning, the wife saw him and just walked passed without the usual pleasantries, so instead of picking quarrel with wife, the man looked at himself, called his name and said since nobody wants to greet me, I greet myself, and immediately both of them busted into uncontrollable laughter that settled everything. That is wisdom at its best. Please don’t pick quarrel with your spouse for every little thing.
Wisdom is the principal thing, (Proverbs 4v7)

17.In-laws.

Depending on the part of the world you live in, this might not pose a serious issue to you, but if you live in my part of the world this is a major issue in many homes. There must be balance in the way you handle your in-laws knowing fully well the kind of society we live in. Some in-laws are a blessing indeed, they give the couples the requires space, care and love, but unfortunately, other are not. Some are really a torn in the flesh of the new couple. In my part of the world, the relationship most especially between mother-in-law and the daughter –in-law in particular and other in-laws in general has always been a cause of concern to many marriages/homes. I will advise the man to take personal responsibility here. As a man you must set boundaries. You must make your family understand that your wife is now part of the family, and your wife must also understand that the two families are now one. The key word is to treat others the way you will like to be treated, (Matthew 7v12). Your family must respect your wife and in turn your wife must accept your family and treat everyone as hers. Please remember that if you don’t respect your spouse, you don’t expect others to do so. The respect starts with you.

18.Be the fan of your spouse:

One of the things that bring trouble at home is that your wife/husband is not happy with your profession. Please if you are going into any project or work discuss it first with wife/husband. If possible take him/her along once in a while so that he/she can appreciate what you do and be your fan/supporter; that’s the only way you can really have peace at home. Your spouse should be able to lessen the burden of your work, rather than adding to it.

19. Be nice.

If you want peace and bliss in your home be nice to your spouse. Remember the golden rule Jesus gave in Matthew 7v12. Do you find it difficult to say these words even when you know you are supposed to say them, namely?

I am sorry
Thank you
I take responsibility for that
It’s my fault
Please forgive me for my mistake
I should have done better
If you have difficulty saying these words, when you know that you are supposed to do that, then you have a lot of work to do, but you can start today.

20. Separate normal life challenges from marital challenges.

It’s not everything challenge that is a marital challenge. I have seen people say a lot of things about marriage simply because they are married. Take for instance, you lost your job because of economic downturn or you were not adding value to the company. Please don’t call this a marriage challenge simply because you are married. The truth of the matter is that you could have still lost your job even if you were single, so it is not marital challenge. It is very important for us to put the blame where it is, instead of putting unnecessary pressure on our marriages. If you lost your job because you were not adding value to the company, you should look back at yourself and see how you can improve your skills and go for another job.

Keys to Peaceful Marriage/Home Vol. 2

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This is a continuation. Please check out for Vol.1, if you have not done so.

7. Have a forgiven heart

The bible says that we should forgive one another, (Matthew 6v14-15). So please be willing to forgive your spouse and move on. Don’t keep a catalogue of offences that your spouse has done. Pastor Bimbo Odukoya said that marriage is “two forgivers living together”. This is the bedrock of a peaceful and loving home. There is no way you can have a peaceful home, if you don’t forgive each another. I have seen people who keep a catalogue of what their spouse has done to them which often lead to tension at home. Some people can give you the decade, year, month, week, day ,time and place the offence took place, “come on”, you don’t need all that stuff.

8. Be honest/open to your spouse.

Someone said that “you need a million lies to cover one lie”. Also, “you don’t have to remember what you said last time only if you tell the truth”. A man had some money hidden in his bedroom, and when the wife asked for money to prepare lunch he swore that he never had any money. So when he left for work, the wife came across some money, and since the husband had told her that he had no money, she felt that the money was hers. So she took the money and prepared the meal. When the man came back, she gave him food to eat and thereafter, the man was panting all over the house looking for the money. The wife asked him, are you looking for something? He replied no, because he couldn’t face the wife, having lied to her. After a while, it was clear to him that the money was actually missing, and so he had to open up to the wife, but it was too late because the money was gone. Please read Colossians 3 v 9-10.

9. Try to meet the needs of your spouse

Every wise spouse should know that you are created to serve the interest of others including your spouse. Jesus gave the perfect example when he said that the greatest in the kingdom shall be the servant, (Matthew 23v11). Look out for the needs of your spouse and work hard to meet them as much as possible. The following guide will be helpful, and you can add yours. I got this from a church service I attended some months ago.
Wife’s need;
                   • She needs affection
                   • Open and honest communication
                   • Accountability
                    • Deeper friendship
                    • Faithfulness

               Husband’s need:
                   • Sexual affection
                   • Support and encouragement
                   • Remain physical attractive
                   • Domestic security
                    • A playmate.

10. Team is better.

You must have the mentality of a team. Once you see your spouse as a team member, where you win or lose together, then you do whatever it takes to succeed, (Amos 3v3). You must understand that your wife/husband’s peace is depended on your own peace as well. If your husband/wife is not at peace, you can’t be at peace.

11.Think before you talk

Someone said that God gave us two ears and one mouth, so that we can listen more and talk less. Remember that once a word is said you can’t take it back. Your word is irrecoverable. Don’t verbally abuse your spouse. In my undergraduate days I heard a story of man who told the wife in the “heat of the moment” that she got her professorship by sleeping around. Both of them were lecturers in the University. The woman cried and asked for divorce. The man tried to convince her that it was a mistake, but the deed has been done. The couple finally divorced. Please watch your tongue. The bible says that the power of life and death are in the tongue, (Proverbs 18v21). Also take a look at Proverbs 21 vs 23, which says that;

“Whosoever keepeth his mouth and his tongue, keepeth his soul from trouble”

So please check what you say to your wife/husband if it is worth saying at all. Will your words build or destroy?

12. Avoid debt:

Many marriages have been broken and shattered because of indebtedness. As much as possible live within you income. This is one of the things that bring tension and conflicts in homes. It has also led to some people committing suicide. Live a simple life. Remember Proverbs 22 v 7.

Keys to Peaceful Marriage/Home Vol. 1

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Do you know that God has ordained marriages for our good? (Proverb 18vs22). I feel strongly that most conflicts at home can be avoided. The simple truth is that nothing happens by chance. You must take appropriate steps to be able to enjoy the peace you desire in your marriage/home. We belong to a kingdom that operates on keys. Someone said that “if you have the right key, you don’t need to struggle with the door”. Let us take a look at the following keys;

1. God
Please make God the centre of your marriage/home. If you focus your attention and seek His help, he will surely make a way for you in every situation. Do you really have time for God? Do you really have time for family devotions? If you take God very seriously, you will get the best out of every situation you find yourself. We need to look unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, (Hebrew 12vs2).

2. Believe in your marriage.
If you don’t believe in something, it is impossible for you to get any good thing out of it. If you don’t believe that a marriage can be peaceful and enjoyable, then there is no way you can enjoy a peaceful marriage/home. It is only possible to them that believe, (Luke 1 vs 45)

3. Have a vision for your marriage.
Someone said “if you don’t know your destination, everywhere would look like it”. You must have a vision for your marriage/home, so that you can work at it, and whenever you miss your way you will know and retrace your steps. My wife and I made a vow never to come to a point where people will be called to settle any matter in our home, and it has remained so. I enjoy a super peaceful home. You too can have a peaceful home. God spoke to Abram in Genesis 13 vs14-15, saying:

           “ Lift up now thine eye, and look from the place where thou are northward, and southward, and eastward. For all the land which thou seest to thee will I give it, and to thy seed forever”.

What do you see concerning your marriage/home? Do you see troubles and bitterness, or do you see peace and joy by God grace?

4. Stop wishing, and start working.
I have seen people who claim that they can confess and possess whatever they want, and I laugh. It doesn’t happen that way. For instance if you want a car, all you need to do is to go to the car shop, pay for it, and it becomes yours. In the same way, if you desire to enjoy a peaceful home, there are things you must do. You can’t be engaging in a fight with your spouse every morning and hope to confess and possess a peaceful home. It will not “fly”. Remember Proverbs 22vs29, which says “seest thou a man diligent in his business? He shall stand before kings; he shall not stand before mean men”.

5. Flee from Adultery.
The only scripturally acceptable sex is the one within marriage covenant, between a man and a woman. One of the greatest sins against the marriage covenant is adultery. Your spouse should be enough for you. I have never seen anyone who is involved in adultery that remains the same. Many marriages/homes have been broken because of this act. Proverbs 6 v 25-29 says;

          “Lust not after her beauty in thine heart, neither let her take thee with eyelids. For by means of whorish woman, a man is brought to a piece of bread: and the adulteress will hunt for a precious life. Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not burned? Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not burned. So he that goeth into his neighbour’s wife; whosoever toucheth her shall not be innocent”

It is clear that adultery is a time bomb in every marriage, so please flee from it. Remember that the bible says “Abstain from all appearance of evil” (I Thessalonians 5vs 22),
Is it not surprising that a man will leave his beautiful wife at home, and then go outside to be messing around with another lady? Even for analysis sake, when you compare the wife and the other lady outside, the wife at home is far more beautiful that the lady outside in every area. It is even more disheartening to learn that married women are also going outside their homes to mess around. We live in strange times. What a shame

6. Communication is key.
In our businesses and offices we do have team meetings to work on business plans. Some offices have meetings every week to look at how the business performed in the previous week and what need to be done to get better result, but in our homes, many do not have the patience and wisdom to talk about their marriages. Have you ever set out time to really talk with your spouse and listen to him/her without any pre-conceived conclusion to the matter being discussed? How often do you have family meetings? Do you talk with your spouse or do you talk to your spouse. There are two different things. Every good communication must start from the heart. How comfortable is your spouse in sharing his/her deep feelings with you, without the possibility of starting another “world war”. We are admonished to build and not destroy. When you talk with your spouse, you should be able to bring out the best in him/her and not diminish it. Many years ago, I heard of a story that baffled me. A man and his wife were not in talking terms, and they have gone ahead to divide the only bed they had into two parts; one part for the man and the other for the wife. They created territories on just one bed. So one day, the man had a job interview the following morning, but was not humble enough to talk to the wife, but rather he wrote a note and placed it on the wife’s part; saying “please wake me up by 8am”. The man being a deep sleeper woke up much later than 8am, and he was very furious, and so for the first time in a long while, he spoke to the wife, asking her why she did not wake him up. The wife simply replied that I woke you up, but you didn’t respond. How? She said since you wrote to me to wake you up, I also wrote to you by 8m to wake up, but you didn’t respond. What a pity. Communication is the key in every marriage, because it opens you up for healthy discussion and living. Please do it the right way. Remember Luke 6vs31.

Opportunities in Challenges

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Meg Whitman, the CEO of Hewlett Packard in an interview with CNN, said that “we learn more from our failures than from our successes” What a statement because many times we forget that challenges always have opportunities in them, but most times we don’t see them.

There are people who need to be pushed to take the next step for their lifting. I know of a brother who was able to build his own house because the Landlord gave him a quit notice to vacate the apartment he rented at that time.

Just recently, I met a former colleague who is now an employer of labour. He told me how he was asked to resign from his previous employment, and I said thank God you were asked to resign. I said that because, he is doing very well now. Today, he has people who are working for him. He is now an employer of labour and no longer an employee.

Take a look at the testimony of a sister in my church below;

               “In May 2011, just 6 months into our marriage, I was afflicted with abnormal bleeding that lasted up till 2013. During this time of ordeal, I and my husband came across this commission in late 2012 and began to listen to the message and hook to every service. We started following all the instructions from this commission. During the in-gathering season in 2013, we engaged in soul winning, distributing the books of the Commission we have to people, encouraging and also sharing the word of God with them. People began mocking us that we were doing what we were doing out of frustration of barrenness. One day, while sharing the word of God with some colleagues at work during the break time, quoting Psalm 34:10 “The young lions do lack, and suffer hunger; but they that seek the Lord shall not want any good thing.” Another colleague interrupted and asked “are children not good thing? Why then has God not given you one? At that moment I remembered the testimony of a sister that was mocked during soul winning and God blessed her the same month, then I said to myself, my time has come. In June 16, 2013, Covenant Day of Vengeance, Papa declared in one of the services that someone will be confirmed pregnant this month; I grabbed it as if it is the first time I heard that prophecy. In July 2013, I was indeed confirmed pregnant and delivered a bouncing baby boy in February 2014″.

From the testimony above, it is clear that the sister refused to focus on the challenge of barrenness/mockery, but rather on the opportunity God presented to her to trust Him.

So next time you are faced with a challenge in your marriage/home, look out for the opportunities wrapped up in that challenge. There is always a way out of every situation only if we can trust God and look up, (Matthew 19:26). We are created to overcome, and we shall overcome indeed, (Romans 8:37). Remain ever blessed.

The Secret of Men are in their Stories; can you beat that?

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1. She met him at a Motor Park

2. She was a university student – GREAT IFE
while he was only a Polytechnic student in
Kwara Poly (Remember the discrimination) – she could have snubbed him – but she responded.

3. His friends complained that he was
carrying Christianity too zealously as if he
was the only Christian – she became zealous
too.

4. He took her to church in 1976 and made
her sign an agreement (SAILING UNDER
SEALED ORDERS) to marry and follow him whether he becomes blind, lame or
handicapped serving God… she signed.

5. Just before he married her, he told her
God had sent him to LIBERATE THE World (while he was still hopping between jobs)
and went on to resign his job; his elder
brother lambasted him, she stuck to him.
6. He told her God had shown him the key
to prosperity – she believed.

7. He told her they would build a 50,000
capacity tent and preach the gospel from
private jets – she believed her dreamer lover.

8. He was too ‘buoyant’ to afford a hotel
room on his wedding eve, he slept in his
rickety Volkswagen beetle – she married
him.

9. During a moment of insane faith, he
ordered a mad man to be put in his car
alone with her while she was pregnant; she
remained.

10. She saw she was dripping blood while
pregnant and explained to him that she had
a miscarriage, he shouted “It CANNOT
Happen, can I have my food please” – she
served him food.

11. She just had their first baby and there
was no food or money at home. He refused
to borrow or ask or take from church
money and they were drinking/eating
“CERELAC Baby food’ for 3 days – she ate
with him.

12. She came to church one day and saw
him so excited with few members while
waiting for service to start; he explained to
her that service was actually over – she
laughed.

13. People kept praying for her and her
husband as they seemed to be crazy and
needed deliverance-she kept faith.

14. He announced a new Bible school and
she knew there was no facility; she asked
him and he replied “Is it your school”? She
kept quiet.

BUT SHE DIDN’T KNOW…

15. She didn’t know they were going to be
flying in customized jets round the world.

16. She didn’t know he would pastor and
she, co-pastor the largest church auditorium in the world.

17. She didn’t know he would be a father to millions all over the world.

18. She didn’t know he would be hosted by
Presidents and Heads of States of nations.

19. She didn’t know he would be a
Chancellor and Pioneer of one of the best
Private Universities in the world…..and
others.

20. She woke up one day on her sick bed in the USA and unexpectedly saw her hubby who had flown in quietly from Nigeria and had refused to wake her up…..he was kneeling on the floor by her legs and crying ‘Lord, heal her and prove that you sent me”- She got healed miraculously…more than once!
All she saw was a Man with A BIG GOD
inside him.

21. She said to her husband ‘Honey,we need to change the school of this children’. The school is no longer what it used to be.
Parents are complaining and they aren’t
doing anything about it. Her husband
Bishop David Oyedepo responded: Why?
No! She never altered a word after that. She went back to God on her kneels in Prayers.
She prayed: God touch the heart of your son who is my husband. You alone understand this present situation. Let him see reasons with what I am saying. Not up to a day,her husband the Bishop said to her: Honey,that reminds me.
You made mention of we changing the children’s school,how far have
you gone with it? This was a man that said why? earlier on. She never argued with him but rather went back to her God. Her name is FAITH: Pastor (Mrs) Faith Oyedepo.

Courtesy: Facebook.com

The Mentality of the Believer in Marriage

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Somebody said that “your success is limited by your imagination”. No wonder the bible says that as a man thinketh in his heart so he is (proverb 23:7).
So your life is controlled by your thought. God also speaking in Genesis 11:6 “and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do” So in reality you can’t go beyond your thinking.

My father in the Lord Bishop David Oyedepo said that “you can’t feature in the future you can’t picture in the scriptures”. You need to see it before you can have. I knew years before I got married that I was going to have a peaceful and loving home.

Zig Ziglar said “what you picture in your mind, your mind will go to work to accomplish. When you change your pictures, you automatically change your performance”

So many times you hear people including believers say that marriage is full of troubles? Some even go to the extent of calling it a necessary evil. How then do you expect to enjoy marital bliss if it’s full of troubles or evil? Apostle Paul admonished us to think positively in Philippians 4:8;
“Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things”

It’s clear from the above, that the mentality of the believer in marriage should be positive. Anything short of that often leads to disaster. Let us look at how John Mason captured the story of David and Goliath in his book titled “An Enemy Called Average;

“The brothers looked at the obstacle and figured that it was too big to hit, but David looked at the obstacle and figured it was too big to miss”

If you are not married, start thinking about lovely marriage/home, but if you are married and are going through challenges, I encourage you to change your thinking, because if you change your thinking, you change your marriage for good. What you think, is what leads to your actions, and your actions leads to your attitude, which eventually is you. Remember the very powerful charge given to us in Joshua 1:8;

“This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth, but thou shall meditate therein day and night, that thou shall mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shall make thy way prosperous, and then thou shall have good success”

Do you know that Joseph was a prosperous man even in the house of Potiphar (Genesis 39v2)? So it was not being a Prime Minister that made Joseph prosperous. He was already prosperous before he became a Prime Minister. So your marriage is already successful, only if you can see it and work it out just like Joseph did concerning his destiny.

I read a book titled Think Big by Dr. Ben Carson, and he said that “God has given to every one of us over 14 billion cells and connections in our brain”. What are you using your own to think about; positive or negative thoughts

The Power of Team Spirit

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Just a couple of days ago, I was meditating on why some marriages are not peaceful and successful as they should be. God opened my eyes to see that we need to imbibe the team spirit in our marriages. No wonder the bible says that two shall become one flesh (Genesis 2:24). This simply means that they will become a team. In every team sport, there are no individual losers or winners. If we take football for instance, if a striker scores 3 goals, while the defender lets in more goals, it then means that the team has lost the game. The striker can’t be claiming victory because he scored 3 goals.

So in marriage one of the things we need to do and continue to do in order to have super successful marriage is to imbibe team spirit into our marriages. That means there is no individual loser or winner. The husband and wife must understand that we lose and win together as a team. We have situations, where the man and the woman are in a competition on who will out do each in front of the children. This is not right. We must have a common goal and vision for the family. We must support each other in every way and anyway. We must see ourselves as major stakeholders in every aspect of our marriages/homes.

It baffles me to see men who have never entered the kitchen for once, or worse still have never attempted given the children a bath. If you ask him, he claim that’s not my job, but the woman is also working full time. On the other hand, I have seen women who earn far above their husbands, but will never let go of the money they earn. I just wonder where and when they will spend their money. Please remember we will not be spending earthly currency in heaven.

One day I heard on the radio that a woman built a house and rented the same house to her husband through a third party. What a world. In any case, I didn’t say much, because I didn’t hear the woman’s side of the story. You know “it takes two to tangle”. Please go in there and put in your best. Remember if either the man or the woman is not putting in his/her best, it’s like having 50% of the team not doing well. The bible says in Amos 3:3 “can two work together, except they be agreed”.

I will like to share a personal experience with you. My boy was about two years old when we disengaged our nanny, so we were left on our own. My wife does normal 8 to 5 full time job, while I am self-employed. She leaves home for work much earlier than I do. So in the morning I give my boy bath, prepare him and take him to school. My wife picks him up from school after work and goes through his “home work” with him. This is what we have been doing in the past 3 years, and it’s working like “magic”. What is that? It is the power of team work. We see ourselves as major stakeholders in every aspect of our lives.

In a 21st century world we live now, we must support our spouses, especially the women. In our own part of the world, the woman is under so much pressure, and so needs all the supports she can get from the husband.
Helen Keller said;

“Alone we can do so little, but together we can do so much”

Henry Ford also said;

“Coming together is the beginning
Staying together is progress
Working together is success”.
We must support and work with each other in our marriages/homes for us to be successful.